an apology to my body

Dear body,

I am sorry that I call You names and belittle you. Often from preconsciousness shortly before the alarm clock is due to ring I begin telling You how ugly You are, how sub par You are, how weak You are, how disgusted I am by You. Several times an hour I remind You of my feelings.

Nearly every night I force myself to stay awake because I dread the morning. Then I blame You for my headache, my sluggishness. It's all YOUR FAULT. I scream in my head. YOU FAILED ME AGAIN!!!

I just want You to know that I truly know that I'm the one failing You. I don't give You enough sleep, enough water, enough nutrition yet day after day after day You keep going. You're the Little Engine That Could... You think You can, You think You can, You think You can. You keep on trying to pull me up the hill despite my neglect and ill treatment of You. You keep my heart beating, my lungs breathing. You try to steer me onto the right course by telling me when I hurt You. When I feed You the wrong foods You try to get my attention with an upset stomach. When I deprive you of sleep You try to tell me to stop by giving me a head ache.

I've ignored You. I am sorry.

You see. I'm afraid. Terrified really. I just want to hide. I want to keep people at a distance and I use You to accomplish that goal. Yet, really that's not the life I want to live so I berate You for my failures. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

I think You're absolutely amazing. The way You are put together astounds me. Your strength encourages me, inspires me.

I've done a lot of damage to You, but if You'll hang in there with me and continue guiding me to where we need to be then I'll do my part too. I will respect You, nourish You, love You, care for You. I promise!

little things

Tonight I took a shower. Not one of those 10 minute showers but a long, indulgent shower. I just felt like busting out the good stuff. You know, the great smelling, organic totally indulgent body scrub, shower gel, lotion. All the stuff that once upon a time I used every single day but not now... Since gaining weight I've put it back, waaaaayyyyy back, in the linen closet. I've refused to use it or even look at it. Somewhere along the way I "put it on the list"... The list of things I'd do or resume doing after losing weight. I felt undeserving of my bath products. How crazy is that?!







Along with my bath products I pulled out my bath brush. I lathered up three times! As I scrubbed I realized that in addition to refusing to look at myself had refused to think about myself . Really think about my hair or skin or anything. I've tried to avoid myself.

Tonight I also put on lotion which I've not done in a very long time. In my effort to avoid myself I would forego the lotion. Applying lotion makes a person think about themselves. How much to use. Where to put it first. Also it makes a person come into contact with themselves from head to toe. I didn't realize how badly I needed to moisturize. I used a fourth a bottle of face cream before my skin felt hydrated and nearly half a bottle of lotion. I made myself touch my tummy and thighs with are my big, big problem areas. I had such an internal struggle that I made myself a motivational playlist for the after the shower routine. Beautiful by Christina Aguliera, Gotta Be by Desiree, Unwritten by Natasha Benningfield. It was like starring in one of those commericals that make lotioning up look exciting, fun, daring, and adventurous...

I reconnected with myself tonight. I feel empowered and even a little bit beautiful... However, I have a new thing to add to my "Top Reasons To Lose Weight List". Being overweight means more surface area which means more lotion, more soap, more everything and that's pricey!

Weigh In

Did I mention that I have no idea what I'm doing? How does a person lose 100 lbs? Especially when she can't recall how she gained it in the first place...

Got up at 7:11 a.m. this morning. I've not seen this side of 10 am in a very long time. Ya see, I don't usually roll outta bed til noon-ish. Didn't fall asleep until dawn. Feel like hell.

Normal stuff is peeving me off. Gonna kill that damn rooster. Seriously, there's a rooster. Not serious about killing him but I've thought about it. The dogs and their barking, whining, crying, yipping is about to push me over the edge. Usually I don't even notice. Sleep deprivation headache is throbbing. Urg! Hating the world this morning.

Great attitude for getting on the scale, huh? I don't really mind hopping on the scale because an actual hop onto the scale would break it. Stepping on to the scale is a whole 'nother matter. Sleep deprivation is working for me this morning, however, because I really didn't care.

"Let's just get this over with so maybe I can go back to bed." That was pretty much the extent of my thoughts as the numbers register a whopping 259 pounds. Oh god! I'm one of those morbidly obese people. A "normal" weight range for a 5'4" tall woman is between 108-145 according to this site. My bones are on the smallish side. I'm one of those people who's thumb & middle finger overlap just a smidge when encircling the wrist. My tiny ankles are the envy of all my friends. From the knees down my legs are HOT! All that to say... I'm not a big-boned gal. So, I'm guessing that 145 is for those substantally boned people or heavily muscled types. Being that I'm neither I'm thinking my healthiest weight falls in the middle of the two extremes. 118.5!

Good gravy!!! I have to lose 140.5 lbs to reach that goal. People do that, right? Lost 100+ pounds? They do don't they? I don't know anyone who has but surely they're out there... I'm gonna google it and see. Like the quest of the Holy Grail... I'm going to search for someone who's lost 100 lbs or is at least attempting to do so. Surely, I'm not alone.

*I wrote this on Monday but it didn't post due to user error... I'm gonna suck it up and take pictures a little later. Yikes!!!

Oh No I Didn't!

Oh dear lord! I started a blog. A freaking blog. About weight loss no less. It's rather humilating but I can rest comfortably in the knowledge that I agonized over the decision. Oh yes! Agony people Ag-o-ny. There! Saving face protocol initiated... Oh what does it matter. Here's the story...

I've gained 100 lbs since 2004. Sucks to be me! Total humilation. I'm hiding out from all my former classmates, relatives, boys... I have a smokin' hot picture on my Facebook account but in real life... Yikes! I've avoided parties, reunions, weddings, receptions, funerals, church. It's gotten to the point where my peeps think I'm either locked up, forcibly held in Level 4 Isolation Containment, or royally pissed off at them. Thank the heavens above that the boy...THE BOY... is on the other side of the planet do-gooding. Let's just hope his philanthropic nature extends to girls who've "let themselves go". Urg! Have I let myself go?

I ain't an internal motivation kinda girl. Believe you me it's taken something extreme to bring me to this point. The point of starting a blog. A weightloss blog. Dear lord...

Top Reasons To Finally Lose Weight

5. My mom bought me a size 4x t-shirt as a gift.

4. I can't wear any of my pants sporting an actual non-elastic waistband.

3. My closet that once upon a time spilled out into the guest room now holds a grand total of three, count 'em, three outfits. Oh and a single black stretchy skirt.

2. A few days ago I got out of the shower and realizing my clothes were still drying went looking for a sheet to wear. Not joking people.

1. And finally... After looking at my drivers license in order to verify my signature a checkout girl said, "oh god what happened to you" while affecting a look of geniune pity. True story.

Yeah, I'll actually get on a scale tomorrow. I'll let ya know how that goes... I like the sense of accomplishment I just got from actually starting a blog. I'm going to rest on my laurels for a bit while I put effort into finding some recipes featuring real, honest-to-goodness food.